5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 17, 2013
1. Let's All Take A Moment To Give Rolling Stone They Attention They So Desperately Crave From Their Boston Bomber Cover
Rolling Stone magazine put Boston Marathon bomber (technically "suspect") Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on its cover this week, sparking the exact kind of controversy and water-cooler outrage they were so obviously hoping for. The story, sandwiched between cologne samples and ads for albums everyone is just going to download illegally, describes "How a popular, promising student was failed by his family, fell into radical Islam and became a monster." Rolling Stone's cover spot is typically reserved for celebrities, high profile politicians, musicians, and lucky dudes who get to grab a musician's boobs.
Five revelations from our new cover story, "Jahar's World," about Boston bomber Jahar Tsarnaev: http://t.co/HerRnNCtfh— Rolling Stone (@RollingStone) July 16, 2013
2. With Due Date Past, Royal Birth And The Instance Of Kate Middleton Shitting Herself That Will Probably Go Along With It Could Happen Any Minute
According to sources (if you consider CNN to be a "source") Kate Middleton's expected delivery date was this past Saturday, meaning the Royal Baby and the completely normal deuce new mothers have been know to drop during labor could arrive at any moment. The Duchess of Cambridge is expected to give birth at the private Lindo wing of St. Mary's Hospital in London, where William was born in a likely similar and poopy fashion.
I'm like the baby Jesus but better because I'm not poor.— Royal Fetus (@RoyalFetus) July 16, 2013
3. Trayvon Martin's Friend Earns College Scholarship Without Even Having Write One Of Those Bullshit Essays About A Time When She Experienced A Failure And Overcame It Or Whatever
On Tuesday, morning radio host Tom Joyner offered Rachel Jeantel, the young girl who spoke with Trayvon Martin on the phone the night he was killed, a full ride to college. "Rachel, here's my offer to you. If you want to graduate from high school and go to a Historically black college or university, even if it's not in Florida but especially Florida ... If you want to do that, I want to help you do that," Joyner said, most likely inbetween one of those fucking morning DJ sound effects, like a lion roaring or a car screeching to a halt. "I will help you get tutors to get you out of high school, tutors to help you pass the SAT, and I will give you a full-ride scholarship to any HBCU you'd like."
4. As It Happens With Most Regular Season Games At Citi Field, Home Team Loses To Visiting Team In All-Star Game
In a scene reminiscent of nearly every game the perennially underperforming Mets play at home during the regular season, the visiting American League destroyed the home team National League 3-0 last night, giving up just three hits, the fewest since 2001. The win, game MVP Mariano Rivera's last before retiring, ends the AL's three-year losing streak and gives the AL home-field advantage in the World Series the Mets will be watching on TV.
5. GOP Hopes The 38th Time Is The Charm For Dismantling Obamacare
Ever persistent House Republicans are scheduled to vote Wednesday to delay President Obama's signature health care law's individual and employer mandates — marking the 38th time the GOP majority has tried to nix, defund or scale back the program since Republicans, but more specifically right-leaning special interest groups and corporations, took control of the House from Democrats, but more specifically left-leaning special interest groups and corporations in January 2011.