5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 19, 2013
1. Not So Dreamy Photos Of Boston Bomber Released
In response to somewhat glamorizing Rolling Stone cover photo of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, a Massachusetts state police "tactical photographer" released his own photos of the Boston bombing suspect a later, less dreamy and considerably more bloody and terrified, period of Tsarnaev's terrorism career, taken during a special session on the night of his capture.
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev landed the cover of Rolling Stone by riding the coattails of his dead brother. He's like the Jim Belushi of terrorism.— Nick Stadler (@Nickadoo) July 18, 2013
2. GOP And DOMA Call It Quits After 17 Years
After doing all they could to make it work — including spending $2.3 million of taxpayer money on legal fees for a number of court cases — House Republicans have decided to end their long, somewhat dysfunctional relationship with the Defense of Marriage Act. The decision to face facts and stop defending the law, which was enacted in 1996 solely to halt progress in the gay rights movement, comes shortly after Republicans discovered the act being "struck down" by several members of the Supreme Court.
It's because DOMA was killed that a shark was allowed to marry a tornado. Right?— Lisa Cohen (@cohills) July 12, 2013
3. King David's Palace May Have Been Discovered By Israeli Archeologists, Still No Word On His Pants
Archaeologists in Jerusalem have discovered two buildings that they believe may have belonged to King David. The two structures — what may have been a palace and a storeroom for grain — are being called "indisputable proof" of a strong leader in the period during which the legendary Biblical figure is believed to have reigned. David himself, who has been standing naked in the Accademia Gallery in Florence since 1873, has yet to comment.
4. Detroit May Be Forced To Sell Some Toy Thing Called A "Howdy Doody" Or Something
After filing for Chapter 9 bankruptcy protection yesterday, it's looking like the city of Detroit may have to give up one of its all-time favorite toys, some weird-looking puppet thing called a "Howdy Doody." The vaguely human-looking doll-type object with strings on its hands and feet is thought could bring as much as $500K for some reason if it is sold along with other pieces from the Detroit Institute of Arts, where it is being kept. The Howdy Doody, which is not wifi-capable and does not come with a camera, was apparently on television back when people still watched that.
Don't worry Detroit, I know a man in a question mark suit who can solve all your problems.— Jason Mustian (@jasonmustian) July 18, 2013
5. Heroin Use Is, Er Ah, Becoming Quite Populah In, Er Ah, New England
The, ah, use of heroin in the, er ah, smallah non-urban communities of New England is on the rise. The numbah of health incidents in the small towns of Maine and New Hampshah has tripled, and in some cases quintupled, and heroin treatment numbahs have risen by nearly 40 percent in Vermont. The deadly drug is quickly becoming so wicked populah that in some places it is, er ah, outselling clam chowdah.